It was a Sour Engagement

He went down on one knee, and I knew the question was coming, the one I had imagined since I was a little girl. Since I learnt that there was something called “Days” and “The Bold” that always caused my mum to forget she had children that needed her attention.

Yes, I have looked forward to an affirmation of love from a respectable young man, and now I have it.

And now I resent the world for lying to me! No one ever told me that an engagement is not a honeymoon. No one ever told me that marriage is not a constant adrenaline rush. I never really knew what to expect, but what I am experiencing is not what I thought was possible. I never knew I could have strife as a part of my life. I never knew I could be so negative about marriage. I never knew that I could fail. All these things are new to my idealistic mind. Silly me, I thought no matter how much people complain out there, life for me would forever be perfect, or close enough. I dared make such a declaration because I took responsibility for making my life perfect. It’s so easy when you are a single individual; an “I”. I had done a great job making my life perfect, if you knew where I’m coming from you’d understand. I have fought many battles and came out victorious. I have survived rejection and hatred and even love… the absence of it for oneself.

Yes I dare say I am superwoman and able to have a perfect life. I had it. No one ever won with me, they fought me and I shattered them all with a deep rooted smile. My inner peace was enough to blow anything away, and it did. Unlike what I often hear from many ladies, I was never afraid of the dark, never afraid of wrath from anyone, never afraid but of myself. I was bigger than life, and needed no one to reassure me. That’s because I was done with waiting for reassurance from others. I realized that I had, as a child, waited on people to save me, people who were themselves afraid. Who were themselves too absorbed in their own miseries that they simply, most sincerely couldn’t be bothered. So the people thing was not going to work. I had to come up with a “me” equation, and I did, a perfect equation, though it was a little destructive.

Why all this in past tense? Well I wish I knew. Here I am trying to analyze where my confidence went and I can only trace it back to a single moment: When he went down on one knee. So is he the enemy? – Not at all. My Prince Charming is a person, a man, a member of the human race that I have let into my life. I have let him into my space, my heart and my air. Such a big thing it is, and he has let me in too. Fair exchange, that’s what they would say, these 50/50 people. Now I had no idea it meant I was no longer going to be superwoman, and if I knew what would I do? I had to let him take over and be my superman. We operate differently, and seem to value different things. I guarded my face, he protects my head. It’s not that anyone is lacking, it is a natural thing that no two people can be the same. I cry for my perfect imperfection, and he is a perfectionist. Not a perfectionist. I don’t know, to me it seems like something else, like control. I don’t get to be my own superwoman; I have to let him protect me. And it’s not easy. Will he really? Won’t he look out for his own interests first? Won’t he get tired and stop protecting me? He is human, won’t he let me down.

I am a family woman from a generation of great home keepers. I am a successful woman. People look at my home and wonder how I have managed to keep a happy home and a great career, and I say with that conquering smile, “It is all by God’s grace, He has been a great help in our lives”. That’s me! I gracefully become a “we” without losing my spirit and my love. I do things that many seem to struggle with.

That’s what I thought but here I am, engaged and managing the PR excellently and all we seem to be great at is disagreeing. I see so many faults in him, me who used to see the best in the most hateful people. I don’t know where or when I learnt to see with the weaker eye, but I blame him. I have learnt to blame people, to expect better from them and to be disappointed. It’s the knee thing. Any he too sees so many faults in me. I sometimes feel like he hates me. And we are getting married in a few months. When we are not talking about other people, we are pointing fingers at each other, driving each other farther away from one another, yet counting down towards the ultimate union. I have lost that thing that made my life perfect, that power smile. I have replaced it with a weak one that cries out to the air to help me. I am on a path to success, and the road is so dusty, so rocky. I am getting married.

I thought we would talk about how we are going to wake up in the morning in each other’s arms. I thought we would by now be planning how we are going to manage our home, our finances. I thought we were going to talk about his favorite colour so that I can be sure to have underwear of his preference. I thought we were going to window-shop at the best stores, claiming things for our home and acting like we are already husband and wife shopping for our beautiful home. I had such great expectations, I have them still, but every time I try to get up and step forward, the dust of rejection chokes me. Interfaces of my insides and makes me sick to the core. When I try again, because I am a fighter, I fail and my Prince charming is still there, offering his strong arm to give me a lift. That’s what we do for each other; we stand by one another and create lasting memories of love according to our own understanding of it, which thankfully is rooted in the word of God.

I will have nothing less than that beautiful home, that happy family and the great career. I will have nothing but the perfect life for me, so I can’t give up. I will fight like my life depends on it. After all, what do I live for, except to inspire generations and let them know that with God nothing shall be impossible! That’s my job and I will do it well!

To all you who have given up on love, remember that love is your own responsibility. It is not love when it comes with conditions. It is not love when it quits, so before you tell someone that you love them, know what it means and what you are getting yourself into. Let’s love selflessly and enjoy the reward of peace, love and joy in a measure we never thought we were qualified for. Be the first and the best for you!

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